At a Loss For Words Read online

  Again, my horoscope for the following day was right on the money: There is a lot of clutter in your life at the moment. Your most urgent task right now is to get rid of anything and anyone that doesn’t take you closer to your long-term goals. Do it today.

  You said, I can certainly agree that over the years we do tend to accumulate a lot of clutter.

  Somewhere in the middle of all this, you suddenly stopped signing your e-mails with love. You started signing them with just your name instead, sometimes only your first initial. I was very upset. So I stopped signing my e-mails with love too.

  This went on for two weeks.

  Finally I asked, Why have you stopped signing your e-mails with love?

  You said, Have I? I didn’t realize I’d done that. I guess I just forgot.

  I said, Didn’t you notice that I stopped signing mine with love too?

  You said, Well, no…I didn’t.

  After that you started signing your e-mails with love again.

  And so did I.

  Write about these words that have multiple meanings: bear, cleave, lie, tear, desert.

  Write about these words that have multiple interpretations: love, trust, truth, never, forever.

  I said, Sometimes I get very annoyed and impatient with myself for not always being able to handle this with equanimity. I keep thinking that one of these days I’m going to have the one magic thought that will make all my extravagant and unruly emotions more manageable. Sometimes I get so tired of feeling all these feelings all the time.

  You said, Feelings…ah yes…sometimes I wish I could just banish them from my brain, for more often than not, they cause me more complexity than I wish to deal with…but then I do not want to become the reverse, which would be “unfeeling,” for that would be a banishment to some form of purgatory. I find, as time moves on, my emotions are much closer to the surface…I thought I would be tougher as I got older, but I am finding the opposite is true.

  I told you I had a very bad cold, something rare for me. My throat was sore all the way up into my ears and I was feverish. I said I was feeling so lousy that yesterday I took some Tylenol and vitamin C and stayed in bed all day.

  I said, Usually, when I don’t feel well, I force myself to get up and get dressed and go through the motions anyway…but yesterday I surrendered! And I think there’s hope for me today: not only can I breathe out of my right nostril, but my head seems to be only half-filled with concrete, and I no longer feel like I’ve been hit in the middle of the forehead with a brick! Clearly, recovery is proceeding apace!

  You said, I feel very literary today! I think I’m going to write a book! I’ll send you more on this when I have prepared a summary proposal for what I have in mind.

  I said, Good for you! I’m very curious about your book idea and look forward to hearing more about it when you have something ready to show me. If I can be of any assistance in any way, please don’t hesitate to ask!

  I did not say, Good for you! I have not felt “literary” for months.

  I told you that my neighbor had died, the one who’d recently turned ninety, the one for whom the bagpiper played “Scotland the Brave” in the street.

  I said, I heard the ambulance arrive in the middle of the night. I got up to see what was happening. I saw them bring her out of the house on the stretcher, her face covered with a sheet.

  You said, It is an absolutely glorious day here…soft, clear, bright, and filled with the spring songs of returning birds. It is one of those special mornings that fill you with appreciation, wonderment, and joy.

  I said, Last night we had a terrible storm here, the tail end of the weather system that brought tornadoes to areas west of here yesterday afternoon. The power was out for several hours and the wind was terrifying. I was so frightened that I went down to the basement with my flashlight and sat shivering in an old lawn chair until the lights came back on. A very large poplar tree about a block away was brought down around midnight, broken off right at the base. The sound was so loud I thought it was one of my own big trees in the backyard. Fortunately it fell into the street and not onto the people’s house. But not everyone was so lucky. When I was out this morning, I saw trees down all over the city, some as large as three or four feet in diameter that had been snapped off not more than a foot above the ground. Several cars were crushed and homes damaged.

  You said, This has been a very convoluted week here. Work has been interesting, diverse, and totally all-consuming. I am trying to keep all my balls juggling in the air.

  I did not say anything about your balls.

  A couple of years ago, on my birthday, Michelle gave me a doll called “Mr. Wonderful.” He is about a foot tall with a large plastic head, sculpted wavy brown hair, big blue eyes, and a huge smiling mouth full of miraculously white plastic teeth. He’s wearing a light blue shirt and khaki pants with a brown leather belt. His feet are extremely large, shod in brown lace-up boots. He’s very muscular in the shoulders and tiny in the waist. When you press on his left hand, he says all those wonderful things that women since time immemorial have allegedly been longing to hear:

  Actually, I’m not sure which way to go. I’ll just turn in here and ask for directions.

  Honey, why don’t you just relax and let me make dinner tonight?

  The ball game isn’t really that important. I’d rather spend time with you.

  Why don’t we go to the mall? Didn’t you want to get some new shoes?

  Here, you take the remote. As long as I’m with you, I don’t care what we watch.

  Did you have a hard day, honey? Why don’t you sit down and let me rub your feet?

  You know, I think it’s really important that we talk about our relationship.

  He does not say:

  I’ve been so busy…

  Hopefully I’ll have time to call you next week…

  I had the flu again…

  I couldn’t find a pay phone…

  I couldn’t find a mailbox…

  My e-mail had a glitch…

  My computer was down…again.

  For a long time I thought you were Mr. Wonderful.

  Apparently you are not.

  I said, There are no easy answers. At the moment, there seem to be no answers at all.

  You said, Quit worrying so much and get back to work, my dear.

  I said, I’m not worrying, I’m thinking.

  You said, Well, stop it, whatever you’re doing, and get back to work!

  I said, What is the difference between worrying and thinking?

  You said, Things are really heating up here today…

  I figured I might as well answer my own question, since you obviously weren’t going to take a stab at it. I said, The difference between thinking and worrying is that when I’m thinking, I’m mulling things over, rolling them around in my mind so I can see them from different perspectives (not an unpleasant experience and frequently productive), but when I’m worrying, I’m fretting and fussing and getting myself all in a knot (not so pleasant, not so productive, causes high anxiety, which then feeds on itself like a chain-reaction collision and just gets worse and worse).

  You said, Holy smokes…you are so good at all this psychology stuff! I’m going to have to get a couch in my office here!

  You said, But for now…I have to park it for a bit and keep my job in primary focus today. All this emotional stuff is negatively impacting my work performance. I have a backlog of people here waiting for my action on a number of things.

  I did not reply.

  I said, If doing the right thing always felt good, and doing the wrong thing always felt bad, life would be a much simpler undertaking.

  You did not reply.

  Even after things were becoming difficult between us, sometimes I still tried to amuse you. On a wet and gloomy Monday morning in late October, I downloaded a photograph of a steaming bowl of chili and sent it along.

  I said, I made a big pot of chili here yesterday and thought you mi
ght like to have some for lunch today. Do you like sour cream on yours? I do.

  You did not reply.

  I guess you had other plans for lunch.

  I was always saying, I’m doing much better now.

  I was always making resolutions that I thought would help me get my life back in order.

  I was always saying, I’m going to put all this upset behind me and go forward now in a more positive way.

  I was trying to convince myself as much as you. I guess I thought that if I said it often enough, eventually it would be true.

  I said, I suppose one of the hardest things about this for me is that no matter how well I think I’ve got things sorted out, they never stay sorted for long. Before I know it, they start shifting around all over again. I do hope I can settle into this more smoothly now, without so many rocky bits. What I wouldn’t give (you too, I’m sure) for a good stretch of time without so many rocky bits!

  I said, The only time I feel truly good is when I’m with you. Then I feel that finally I’m the person I was meant to be, the person I’ve always wanted to be. Since we’re able to see each other so seldom, this poses a real problem for me!

  You did not reply.

  I said, I’m trying so hard to get my ducks in a row.

  To Kate I said, Every time I get my damn ducks in a row, they get blown right out of the water again. Bloody feathers flying everywhere!

  You said, I must get my ducks in a row here too.

  I did not say, Quack quack.

  You said, I’m not the only guy in the world, you know.

  We were on the phone. For once you’d actually called me when you said you would. Of course I was delighted to hear from you and we chatted amiably for a while. But then the conversation took a turn and I found myself complaining about how much I missed you, how hard I found it to be away from you, how much I needed to see you.

  And then you said it: I’m not the only guy in the world, you know.

  Like a child, I cried, Take it back, take it back, take it back!

  You said, Forget I ever said it.

  In the background I could hear the general hubbub of a busy office and the sound of another phone ringing.

  Then I could hear typing.

  I said, Are you typing while we’re talking?

  You said, Yes, I’m trying desperately to get caught up on things here.

  Sometimes the newspaper horoscopes seemed to be custom-made for the two of us.

  MINE: By all means let your feelings show today, but don’t go overboard and give others the impression that you are a slave to your emotions. At this time of year, more than most, you can be rather excitable, with the result that you may come across as something of a drama queen.

  YOURS: People will waste your time today if you let them—so don’t let them. You have too much to think about and too much to do to pay attention to what others are up to, nor do you have the physical or emotional energy to take care of their needs as well as your own. You don’t always have to be the nice guy.

  Write about the first (or last) person who broke your heart. If you had the opportunity to take revenge, would you?

  Revenge is such a nasty word…

  You said you’d been working out every day, walking too, even running sometimes, keeping up with your own physical fitness regimen. You said, See…I practice what I preach!

  I said, Why can’t I just get on with my life the way you’re getting on with yours? I envy you that.

  You took exception to this.

  You said, It may look like I’m getting on with my life, but really I’m just going through the motions.

  You said, I have no choice, I have to get on with my life.

  You said, If I don’t, the consequences will be dire!

  As if the consequences of me not getting on with my life could only be negligible in comparison.

  We agreed that we both felt all of this was a test. But we weren’t sure what we were being tested on.

  I said, Maybe we’re being tested on different things.

  You said, Maybe.

  I said, But why does it seem that my strength always has to be tested? Why can’t God just look down on me and think, Okay, she’s strong enough now, yup, she’s passed enough tests, so I’ll just leave her alone for a while and let her live in peace and happiness?

  I said, Much as I don’t think I really needed another big test in my life, still I’m determined to pass this one!

  I said, I often think that if I’d been able to hang in there thirty years ago, things would have turned out differently. So I’m determined to hang in there this time, no matter what it takes. Although I’m not sure what this test is really all about, I do have a clear idea of how it will feel once it’s been passed. All things come to she who will but wait…

  You said, All in all, one thing remains constant…life is always full, complex, and continuously enlightening.

  A month had passed since our last visit. I’d only had four or five e-mails from you in the interim and not a single phone call.

  I said, At the risk of regretting it, today I need to pour my heart out to you. It’s been a whole month now since I was there. Time goes by and life goes on. Now I think it was all a dream after all. When I was there with you, I felt so loved. Why can’t I keep that feeling when I’m back home here by myself? It seems that you keep getting further and further away. I don’t feel connected to you at all these days. I feel so unloved. I feel that my attention to you is no longer desired or required. I feel that I should just leave you alone now. You are so withdrawn. I think I should also withdraw in response…but I can’t seem to do it. This makes me feel like I’m throwing myself at you.

  I said, I think I’m just not the right kind of person to be able to handle this very well. Maybe I’m too insecure, too demanding, too needy, too sensitive, too obsessive…too much in love…too something, that’s for sure!

  I said, Sorry about this…sorry if I’m whining…I probably shouldn’t send this but I’m going to…I have to be open and honest…this is my curse.

  You said, I do understand completely all that you say, and it troubles me so damned much that I have caused you to feel hurt and disconnected. If I could, I would love to be able to communicate all the time, anytime, freely. The last time I felt true joy and warmth and overall well-being was a month ago…with you.

  I said, Thank you. For your understanding. And for being you. Thank you for being so patient with me. I love you so much.

  You said, Thank you. I look forward to everything we will bring to each other this week, next week, and into the future…for the rest of our lives.

  I said, Please don’t think that every single day has been horrible for me here…I’ve had some good days too! I even kept track for a while, making a note in code in my Day-Timer at the end of each day:

  VG = very good

  G = good

  M = medium or mixed

  B = bad

  VB = very bad

  u = unbearable

  I said, A few weeks ago I watched a television documentary about veterinarians. They were discussing how to decide when it’s time to have your ailing animal put to sleep. They said that if your beloved pet is having more bad days than good, then it’s time. I certainly did get to a point where I was having more bad days than good! But I’m doing a lot better now.

  You said, I do not believe in euthanasia.

  You said you hadn’t written to me for a few days because you were feeling so low and you didn’t want to burden me with your problems.

  I said, You never need to keep your problems or your feelings from me, no matter what they are. Please don’t hide from me. I love you as much (or more) when you’re feeling vulnerable and sad as I do when you’re feeling strong and happy. You do not need to be Superman. I love you when you’re resilient and steadfast. I love you when you’re frustrated and anxious. I love you when you’re certain. I love you when you have doubts. I love you when you’re all mixed up. I love
you when you’re perfect. I love you even more when you’re not.

  I said, You once said I was very good at coaxing your true feelings out of you…I guess I’ll just have to keep on doing that!

  You said, It is not my nature to share my feelings and problems with everyone.

  I said, I am not everyone.

  You did not reply.

  I am thinking about Christmas. I sent you a package in early December: my current favorite CD, Alina by Arvo Pärt, which my friends and I were listening to all the time just then; a book of poetry, Why I Wake Early by Mary Oliver, author of the “Wild Geese” poem; a paperweight from Vietnam, a fist-sized black rock so polished and lacquered that it gleamed, two orange and red goldfish painted on it in such fine shimmering strokes that they appeared to be swimming.

  In the card (which featured a sad-eyed slobbery Saint Bernard in a Santa suit saying, I wish I could see you…with more than just my heart!) I said I didn’t want you to feel obligated to send me a present just because I’d sent you one. (Of course, I didn’t exactly mean that.)

  In an e-mail two weeks later, you thanked me for the lovely and thoughtful gifts (which you said you hadn’t had a chance to open until now). You said that yes, you were indeed going to send me something too, not just one thing, but several things that you were now in the process of assembling.

  I said, I’m so tickled…I’ll await their arrival eagerly! I must confess…I do love presents, both giving and receiving them!